Movie Review: I Couldn’t Do It

Dahmer vs Gacy on IMDB (Horror, 91 Minutes, 2011)
Retardead on IMDB (Horror, 102 Minutes, 2008)
Zombie Driftwood on IMDB (Horror, 75 Minutes, 2010)

[This is counts as reviews 14, 15 and 16 for this edition of  my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]

I’ve watched years of MST3K.  I’ve sat – in a theater – through every Ed Wood movie.   Hell – I even finished (again in a theater!) “Starship Troopers 2”.  Student projects?  Watched them.  Ultra-low budget?  Check.  Foreign art films… with subtitles… in black-and-white?  No problem!

But I could not sit through these.  I tried.  I really did.  I suffered through at least half of each hoping that something redeeming would occur.  Nothing did.

There’s a line that these cross.  They all bill themselves as “horror comedy” but they’re not remotely funny… or at least not funny to me.  Retardead (which is still a great, but completely wasted, title) has an super-extended puking scene.  Maybe I just didn’t get the story because it’s a sequel – to something called “Monsturd”.

“Zombie Driftwood” has zombies on a cruise ship – actually not  a bad idea – but we get scenes of zombie activity directors doing zombie activities.  We get editing punch-up in the form of fart and vomit noises.  We get nothing watchable.  “Dahmer vs Gacey” actually tries to be funny with dialog… but since not a single person on-screen can deliver dialog it’s just painful.

I know I’ve suggested that your avoid movies before: that was a suggestion.  This is a demand: these films are poisonous.  Skull-and-crossbones, make your kids into flipper-babies, fuck-you-up for life TOXIC.  As I’m writing this I’m watching “Kick-ass” (the hands-down best movie of last year) – that’s the level of pure, intravenous awesome that’s needed to wash my brain after subjecting it to these.


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