Movie Review: Stalled

IMDB, Stalled“Stalled” on IMDB

Horror/Comedy – 2013 – 84 Minutes

The poster for this film let’s one know in nice, big letters that Kim Newman, reviewer for “Screen Daily” claims this movie is: “A worthy successor to ‘Shaun of the Dead’ [IMDB].” “Shaun” is, as you may have seen me mention numerous times, a perfect movie. Any film that could carry on that torch must be worth seeing, right?

Well, I’m afraid to say, Kim Newman is a damn, dirty liar. Or maybe has never actually seen “Shaun of the Dead”. Or is possibly insane. “Stalled” isn’t a complete waste of time, but a worthy successor to “Shaun of the Dead” it definitely is not.

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Movie Review: Infected

IMDB, Germ“Infected” on IMDB

Horror – 2013 – 95 Minutes

The first hint that this may not be something worth spending your time on is the fact that it was released as “Infection Z” in Europe. Movies released within months of major blockbusters and featuring ham-fisted variations their titles are rarely worth the almost non-existent effort to lay still and watch them.

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Movie Review: Crawlspace

IMDB, CrawlspaceSci-fi/Horror, 86 Minutes, 2012: “Crawlspace” on IMDB

Stop me if you heard this one before: a bunch of scientists in a secret underground base are creating monsters. Something goes very wrong (or very right, I suppose) and the monsters get out. The base goes dark. The government sends in a crack squad of soldiers to clean up the mess and kill anybody left breathing. When they get there it’s more than they bargained for and everything goes pear-shaped. One of the experimental subjects turns out to be the former lover of one of the commandos. He ignores his orders to kill her on sight. The head scientist doesn’t want to see his greatest achievement killed and he tries to sabotage the mission…

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Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel Get Baked

IMDB, Hansel and Gretel Get BakedComedy/Horror, 86 Minutes, 2013: “Hansel and Gretel Get Baked” on IMDB

The best thing this movie could think of for a tag on its poster is: “From the Producer of Twilight”. Sadly enough, that may very well be the best thing about it. I’ve never seen “Twilight” and have now idea who produced it, but still, it may be. I’ll be honest, I only watched because it starred Molly C Quinn [IMDB] whom I adore in “Castle” and who has done a great job of building up geek cred with various comic/sci-fi related projects and appearances lately.

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Movie Review: Return of the Killer Shrews

IMDB, Return of the Killer ShrewsHorror, 84 Minutes, 2012: “Return of the Killer Shrews” on IMDB

There’s a long, ignoble tradition of terrible movies taking advantage of good – or at least popular – movies. A movie really can’t be considered a success unless a loosely veiled B-version (and at least one even less loosely veiled porn parody) are available within two months of release. This may be the first one to try take advantage of a mostly forgotten horrible movie.

1959’s “The Killer Shrews” [IMDB] would have likely been totally forgotten if not for the classic 1992 “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode. Over 50 years after the movie was released, and 20 years after MST3K made it momentarily relevant, these folks decided to make a sequel. They really shouldn’t have.

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Movie Review: Hatchet

IMDB, HatchetHorror, 93 Minutes, 2006: “Hatchet” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies. Just call me “Scrooge”. The silly one, with Bill Murray. ]

A group of people head out on a shady nighttime “Ghost Tour” of the New Orleans swamps. They hear the story of Victor Crowley , a deformed swamp person accidentally killed by a hatchet to the face  years earlier. Their inexperienced tour guide runs the boat aground, sinking it, near Crowley’s abandoned cabin and discover that he’s only mostly dead. In fact, he’s running around dismembering people.

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Movie Review: Night of the Demons

IMDB, Night of the DemonsHorror, 93 Minutes, 2011: “Night of the Demons” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies. Just call me “Scrooge”. The fun one, with the Muppets.]

You know those nights when you go to a Halloween rave at a creepy old plantation house that’s been empty since a massacre occured there 85 years ago? Then the police break it up but you’re stuck in the place with six friends because they locked the gates when they left? Maybe there’s a drug dealer there who owes his supplier a lot of money? Maybe there’s a guy there that your friend wants to get to know better? Maybe you find some corpses in the basement that turn out to be demons that want to rape their into you because if all seven of them can possess a living human before dawn they’ll be free to roam the Earth forever?

You know those nights?

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Movie Review: The Devil in Me

IMDB, Devil SeedHorror, 108 Minutes, 2012: “The Devil in Me” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies. Just call me “Scrooge”.]

Yet another movie with multiple title disorder. “The Devil in Me” on IMBD and “Devil Seed” on Netflix.  This is usually does not bode well for the experience.

The story is a weird mash-up of “Rosemary’s Baby” [IMDB] and “The Exorcist” [IMDB]. Alex has just returned from her grandmother’s funeral. Her roommates have moved into a new apartment while she was gone. They go out to party and drunkenly patronize a fortune-teller where Alex has a seizure that she promptly forgets about the next morning.

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Movie Review: Boggy Creek

IMDB, Boggy CreekHorror, 87 Minutes, 2010: “Boggy Creek” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away for the weekend and here I am again, burning through terrible movies. Selflessly. For you.]

Damn this was slow. Slow. Slow. Slow. Molasses slow. Snail slow. Tortoise slow.

The story, originally enough, focuses on a group of young friends spending time at a cabin in the woods. Jennifer is there to remember her beloved father who recently died in a car accident. The rest are just kind of there for various reasons.

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Movie Review: Raptor Ranch

IMDB, Raptor RanchHorror, 90 Minutes, 2013: “Raptor Ranch” on IMDB

This is the simple story of a small-town hottie, three friends who run out of gas, a gay soul singer and his entourage all being eaten by dinosaurs grown in silos by a crazy old man.
I think it’s based on a Dickens novella. Or maybe a morphine dream. Whatever it is it’s certainly not “Jurassic” or any kind of park.

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