Movie Review: Stalled

IMDB, Stalled“Stalled” on IMDB

Horror/Comedy – 2013 – 84 Minutes

The poster for this film let’s one know in nice, big letters that Kim Newman, reviewer for “Screen Daily” claims this movie is: “A worthy successor to ‘Shaun of the Dead’ [IMDB].” “Shaun” is, as you may have seen me mention numerous times, a perfect movie. Any film that could carry on that torch must be worth seeing, right?

Well, I’m afraid to say, Kim Newman is a damn, dirty liar. Or maybe has never actually seen “Shaun of the Dead”. Or is possibly insane. “Stalled” isn’t a complete waste of time, but a worthy successor to “Shaun of the Dead” it definitely is not.

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Movie Review: Infected

IMDB, Germ“Infected” on IMDB

Horror – 2013 – 95 Minutes

The first hint that this may not be something worth spending your time on is the fact that it was released as “Infection Z” in Europe. Movies released within months of major blockbusters and featuring ham-fisted variations their titles are rarely worth the almost non-existent effort to lay still and watch them.

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Movie Review: Crawlspace

IMDB, CrawlspaceSci-fi/Horror, 86 Minutes, 2012: “Crawlspace” on IMDB

Stop me if you heard this one before: a bunch of scientists in a secret underground base are creating monsters. Something goes very wrong (or very right, I suppose) and the monsters get out. The base goes dark. The government sends in a crack squad of soldiers to clean up the mess and kill anybody left breathing. When they get there it’s more than they bargained for and everything goes pear-shaped. One of the experimental subjects turns out to be the former lover of one of the commandos. He ignores his orders to kill her on sight. The head scientist doesn’t want to see his greatest achievement killed and he tries to sabotage the mission…

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Movie Review: The Host

IMDB, The HostHorror, 120 Minutes, 2006: “The Host” on IMDB

I’m not sure where this movie has been hiding for 10 years, but it should have come out and waved a long time ago! Classically themed monster movies are something of a rarity; especially in the United States. Luckily, as is often the case, the foreign market – in this case South Korea – is often ready to step in and pick the slack when Hollywood decides that moony-eyed-teen-love-triangles is the only thing that will sell.

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Movie Review: The Mist

IMDB, The MistSci-fi/Horror, 126 
Minutes, 2007: “The Mist” on IMDB

This is one of those classic movies that you likely saw long ago and are then reminded about by something so you track it down and re-watch. Since my wife had never seen it, I was able to share it with her and was happily surprised that it held up just as well as I had hoped.

The story is simple and effective: an oddly thick mist descends from the mountain over a small town in Maine. Was there an accident at the secretive military base up there? People soon come to realize that there are monsters in the mist and barricade themselves in the local grocery store. As religious fervor begins to overwhelm rational thought things go from bad to worse.

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Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel Get Baked

IMDB, Hansel and Gretel Get BakedComedy/Horror, 86 Minutes, 2013: “Hansel and Gretel Get Baked” on IMDB

The best thing this movie could think of for a tag on its poster is: “From the Producer of Twilight”. Sadly enough, that may very well be the best thing about it. I’ve never seen “Twilight” and have now idea who produced it, but still, it may be. I’ll be honest, I only watched because it starred Molly C Quinn [IMDB] whom I adore in “Castle” and who has done a great job of building up geek cred with various comic/sci-fi related projects and appearances lately.

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Movie Review: Return of the Killer Shrews

IMDB, Return of the Killer ShrewsHorror, 84 Minutes, 2012: “Return of the Killer Shrews” on IMDB

There’s a long, ignoble tradition of terrible movies taking advantage of good – or at least popular – movies. A movie really can’t be considered a success unless a loosely veiled B-version (and at least one even less loosely veiled porn parody) are available within two months of release. This may be the first one to try take advantage of a mostly forgotten horrible movie.

1959’s “The Killer Shrews” [IMDB] would have likely been totally forgotten if not for the classic 1992 “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode. Over 50 years after the movie was released, and 20 years after MST3K made it momentarily relevant, these folks decided to make a sequel. They really shouldn’t have.

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Movie Review: Carrie

IMDB, CarrieHorror, 100 Minutes, 2013: “Carrie” on IMDB

In this dark, but very confused, sequel to the 1996 family classic “Matilda” [IMDB] we see our precocious heroine several years later. Much of the confusion is due to the fact that, due to some ill-defined problem, Matilda and her adoptive mother, Miss Honey, have been forced to move and change their names. This transition is made more confusing by the cast changes.

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Movie Review: Would You Rather

IMDB, Would You RatherHorror, 93 Minutes, 2012: “Would You Rather” on IMDB

A group of people, all of whom are down on their luck, are invited to dinner at a posh mansion by a mysterious benefactor who promises that can solve all of their financial problems. When they arrive they’re given some time to mingle and get to know one another before the true purpose of the evening is revealed: a sadistic, fatal game of “Would you Rather” for the amusement of their wealthy host. The winner is set for life, the rest lose their lives.

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Movie Review: Slasher House

IMDB, Slasher HouseHorror, 85 Minutes, 2012: “Slasher House” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies and am back to the blood bucketing.]

This is pretty good ultra-low-budget horror. It’s a pretty damn bad anything else, but with a budget less than most used cars you do have to set expectations accordingly.  There is often an undeniable charm to be found when literally every penny counts.

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