Movie Review: The Host

IMDB, The HostHorror, 120 Minutes, 2006: “The Host” on IMDB

I’m not sure where this movie has been hiding for 10 years, but it should have come out and waved a long time ago! Classically themed monster movies are something of a rarity; especially in the United States. Luckily, as is often the case, the foreign market – in this case South Korea – is often ready to step in and pick the slack when Hollywood decides that moony-eyed-teen-love-triangles is the only thing that will sell.

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Movie Review: Return of the Killer Shrews

IMDB, Return of the Killer ShrewsHorror, 84 Minutes, 2012: “Return of the Killer Shrews” on IMDB

There’s a long, ignoble tradition of terrible movies taking advantage of good – or at least popular – movies. A movie really can’t be considered a success unless a loosely veiled B-version (and at least one even less loosely veiled porn parody) are available within two months of release. This may be the first one to try take advantage of a mostly forgotten horrible movie.

1959’s “The Killer Shrews” [IMDB] would have likely been totally forgotten if not for the classic 1992 “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode. Over 50 years after the movie was released, and 20 years after MST3K made it momentarily relevant, these folks decided to make a sequel. They really shouldn’t have.

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Movie Review: Boggy Creek

IMDB, Boggy CreekHorror, 87 Minutes, 2010: “Boggy Creek” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away for the weekend and here I am again, burning through terrible movies. Selflessly. For you.]

Damn this was slow. Slow. Slow. Slow. Molasses slow. Snail slow. Tortoise slow.

The story, originally enough, focuses on a group of young friends spending time at a cabin in the woods. Jennifer is there to remember her beloved father who recently died in a car accident. The rest are just kind of there for various reasons.

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Movie Review: Raptor Ranch

IMDB, Raptor RanchHorror, 90 Minutes, 2013: “Raptor Ranch” on IMDB

This is the simple story of a small-town hottie, three friends who run out of gas, a gay soul singer and his entourage all being eaten by dinosaurs grown in silos by a crazy old man.
I think it’s based on a Dickens novella. Or maybe a morphine dream. Whatever it is it’s certainly not “Jurassic” or any kind of park.

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Movie Review: The Barrens

The BarrensHorror, 94 Minutes, 2012: “The Barrens” on IMDB

Nearly all genre television is produced in Canada. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it’s true! If it has aliens, dinosaurs or ghosts it’s probably filmed in Toronto.  Apparently it’s cheaper or easier or something. Whatever the reason, pretty much every supporting character says “aboot” and the doughnuts all come from Tim Hortons.

When those TV productions break for the season everybody seems runs off and makes low-budget horror movies. Oddly, these movies tend to be just a little better than you’d think they should be. At the very least they’re better than most of the no-talent crap coming out of the U.S.

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Movie Review: Tasmanian Devils

IMDB, Tasmanian DevilsHorror, 90 Minutes, 2013: Tasmanian Devils on IMDB

Danica McKellar [IMDB], who did this to you?  Did they threaten you?  Did they tell you, “it’ll be fun!” or, “don’t worry, nobody will get hurt!”  Did they?  Well, young lady, you may not have intended it, but people got hurt.  Some seriously.  I was one of them.  So I need you to tell me who did this to you and I need you to do it right now.

Would you like to point out on the doll where they threatened to hurt you?

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Movie Review: After Earth

IMDB, After EarthSci-Fi, 100 Minutes, 2013: After Earth on IMDB

This may not actually be as bad as you may have heard but lordy, lordy it ain’t good.  A lot has been said about M. Night Shyamalan’s [IMDB] fall from grace.  I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down but dammit, this guy does not make it easy.

[Minor spoilers follow.  Sorry.]

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