Movie Review: Slasher House

IMDB, Slasher HouseHorror, 85 Minutes, 2012: “Slasher House” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies and am back to the blood bucketing.]

This is pretty good ultra-low-budget horror. It’s a pretty damn bad anything else, but with a budget less than most used cars you do have to set expectations accordingly.  There is often an undeniable charm to be found when literally every penny counts.

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Movie Review: Hatchet

IMDB, HatchetHorror, 93 Minutes, 2006: “Hatchet” on IMDB

[Wife and kids are away visiting for the holidays. I’m staying home with movies. Just call me “Scrooge”. The silly one, with Bill Murray. ]

A group of people head out on a shady nighttime “Ghost Tour” of the New Orleans swamps. They hear the story of Victor Crowley , a deformed swamp person accidentally killed by a hatchet to the face  years earlier. Their inexperienced tour guide runs the boat aground, sinking it, near Crowley’s abandoned cabin and discover that he’s only mostly dead. In fact, he’s running around dismembering people.

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Movie Review: The Barrens

The BarrensHorror, 94 Minutes, 2012: “The Barrens” on IMDB

Nearly all genre television is produced in Canada. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it’s true! If it has aliens, dinosaurs or ghosts it’s probably filmed in Toronto.  Apparently it’s cheaper or easier or something. Whatever the reason, pretty much every supporting character says “aboot” and the doughnuts all come from Tim Hortons.

When those TV productions break for the season everybody seems runs off and makes low-budget horror movies. Oddly, these movies tend to be just a little better than you’d think they should be. At the very least they’re better than most of the no-talent crap coming out of the U.S.

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Movie Review: Deadtime

IMDB, DeadtimeHorror, 97 Minutes, 2012: Deadtime on IMDB

This were, in the slang of the participants, shit.

A once popular band is trying to pull out of a downward spiral.  In a last ditch effort to impress their record company they lock themselves in crappy warehouse for the weekend to make a comeback video.

And, then… murder!

Lots and lots of boring, dull, repetitive, totally-uninteresting murder.

Then there’s some babbling about magic and a few endings.  I supposed that, in it’s defense, there are boobs.  But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, boobs can only carry movie so far.

Movie Review: The Whole Damn Hellraiser Franchise

Hellraiser, Puzzle box[This is the twenty-first through twenty-ninth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival. Yes, I watched all of these. In a row. In a day. More than 13 hours. Do you people see the lengths to which I will go to prevent myself from making an actual contribution to society?]

I was 16 years-old in 1987 when the first “Hellraiser” movie came out.  Back then the only thing approaching what we now know as “the Internet” existing solely in the minds of schizophrenics so I was forced to wait for the VHS release of the movie to see it.  I had just recently gotten into horror in a big way based on the recommendations of a friend and was a big fan of Clive Barker [Wikipedia].  The movie, written and directed by Barker and based on his novella, “The Hellbound Heart” [Wikipedia], the movie was twisted, gruesome and most importantly, different.

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Movie Review: The Frankenstein Theory

IMDB, The Frankenstein TheoryHorror, 87 Minutes, 2013: The Frankenstein Theory on IMDB

[This is the twentieth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival.]

Hey – a found footage movie!  I haven’t seen one of those in, like, hours!

In this particular case a disgraced professor hires a documentary film team to follow him to the unpopulated wilds of the Yukon territories in an attempt to prove the theory behind his life’s work.  After years of research he believes that story of “Frankenstein” is not only true, but that the monster is still alive and roaming the artic fringes.

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Movie Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street

IMDB, Nightmare on Elm Street [2010]Horror, 95 Minutes, 2010: A Nightmare on Elm Street on IMDB

[This is the eighth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival.]

The original “A Nightmare on Elm Street” [IMDB] was a deserved classic if for no other reason that it was so effective on a shoe-string budget.  It had no small part in reviving the already stale slasher genre.  The sequels quickly descended to silly camp but the original still has something to say for itself.

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